Wednesday, January 20, 2010

In Solitude I Suffer

Though I am loved, I am alone, left to sit and suffer in a cold, desolate cell of confinement. On the other side of these prison gates I have many people who love and care about me, who are touched by my courage and compassion, and who are moved by my love for them and by my love for life, freedom, and justice. The sad reality, though, is that they're out there and I'm in here, alone ....


I am surrounded by people who like to think that they're my enemies, surrounded by foulness and perversion, and blanketed by sheer coldness. I have no friends, just a few people that I talk to from time to time, people who share no true feelings of connectedness with me; their conversations might be good sometimes, and comforting, but there's no camaraderie between us. People in here will talk to you one day and then decide that they don't want to talk to you ever again; that's just the way it goes in here. It's something that a prisoner has to deal with, knowing that the only person in here that you can truly depend on is yourself.


We have to find ways to deal with this loneliness so it doesn't take us under.

Overcoming loneliness is a huge part of survival in prison. Loneliness is painful. It's agonizing to my soul. To know that I could be in here, in this world, with other people around me, in cells next to me, above or below me, and still feel unconnected to anyone, and still feel like I don't really know someone, or that nobody really understands me, and to feel like I cannot truly trust another man in here - it defines the feeling of suffering. To be alone is to suffer.


In solitude I suffer. My heart dies, my blood turns cold and the spark of life leaves my eyes; when you look into them now all you can see is anger, pain, loneliness, and suffering, and all I can do is sit here and ask myself, what have I done to deserve this? What did I do to have to be forced to live in such torment?


For I know in my heart of hearts that I'm a good man. I know in my heart that I live by the principles of righteousness, respect, honor, integrity, fairness, equality; and I know that I am a man who has stood up for my beliefs and who has stood up for my rights, and who has also been beaten down for standing up for them. But still I am left to live in solitude, like I am some kind of piece of shit or something.


In prison that' s the price we have to pay for being a man who stands up for himself and for what he believes is good and right. We have to pay for that by sitting and suffering in solitary confinement until the authorities feel that they have broken you down. They try to break your will, break your spirit and your determination, and they try to destroy you. The things that we see as good and the things that we see as being right are the things that we are being punished for.


I sit here in solitude, feeling so alone. Tormented by my loneliness, and even though another man lives in the cell to my right, and another man lives in the cell to my left, and a man lives in the cell right above me, I feel no connection with any of them; there's no trust between us and absolutely no sense of camaraderie, and it kills me inside.


I understand that all of this is by design, and I want to be strong, I want to resist, I want to overcome, because I know I can't give in, I know I can't surrender, I know I can't let my oppressors break me; but deep down inside I know that no matter what I do, I cannot win, for either way they are slowly destroying me; whether I fight or surrender, they have already won. But I just can't give them the satisfaction in letting them know that they've destroyed me with loneliness, so I continue to fight and I continue to resist, because anything less would be suicidal ....


From the depths of my restless soul,

Coyote

Ely State Prison, Nevada October 25, 2007

Free Your Mind

Let us abandon our restrictions and live freely from the truth of our hearts. Let us love life as we love our children, and let us love our children as we love life.


The walls of these prisons can only keep our bodies contained for so long, but cannot close in on our minds when we live with resistance in our hearts. I encourage you who read this to learn how to think for yourselves.


In these cells of seclusion we learn to embrace knowledge in its rawest form and when you have become accustomed to embrace what is real and what is true, you naturally reject all that is false and untrue.


Let us abandon our falsehoods as we embrace knowledge and let us share our knowledge to those in need of it, so that the mind of the prisoner can abandon his shackles once for always.


The seeds of resistance have been planted in the soul of the prisoners' heart and bears fruit in the prisoners' mind. Consciousness is forever sweet and so full of soul. It should always be shared and enjoyed. Hold on to it, but pass it on ...


No love for authority,

Coyote

June 4th, 2008

On Heart

Resistance is in my heart and it stays in my heart. As humans we grow, we develop and we change, but some things never change. Resistance has always been in my heart and always will be. The things that are in our hearts are the things that keep us going, what's in your heart stays in your heart, unless you lose your heart, and if you lose your heart you pretty much die. Your heart is like your lifeline, when you lose your heart you lose your life. I take this literally, 'cuz I'm a soldier and I know what's in my heart, and what keeps it going. It's not hate, it's love. love tor yourself, love for life, love for freedom, justice and equality. My resistance comes from love, not hate, and it's what keeps me going, it's what is in my heart. Love, resistance, truth.


From the depths of my lawless heart,


Coyote

Ely State Prison 2008

Despair


These walls were built with hate and I imagine that they will be destroyed with hate. In a sanatorium we live, we struggle, and we die. How do we overcome this?


They call it ELY STATE PRISON, I call it Ely State Zoo. Come watch us and see what we do while we sit in our cages. Listen to our beastly roars and our soul-wrenching howls and our lonesome chirps. We live in cages called cells. We live in hell where despair pervades the atmosphere of our hearts. We live in institutions where the air is stale and the walls are pale. We live in agony.


Listen to the sound of dread as it enters your cell through the ventilation system: "Fuck the system, buck the system": words that still ring in our ears, even though some stopped trying a long time ago. We don't care any more, and when you stop caring, you begin to go numb and your mind deteriorates, crumbles, fades.

We are the wretched, the little people with broken souls, holding on to death, refusing to let go.

This is my profane existence as I sit here and try to explain resistance. When my soul gets cold, the hate unfolds, and onto a path of destruction I go.


Despair fills the air in here, another day, another year. When she thinks of me, she sheds a tear.....


Coyote December 20th 2007


(photo: ESP watchtower, Oct 2009)

Today is a Good Day to Live

Sitting up in these solitary confinement cells, for years on end. I used to always wake up and tell myself that today is a good day to die. But, today is different: it's a good day today. I am pleased with the things I am seeing today. The good spirits and cheer of the convicts around me definitely seems to be resonating with me. Today is a good day to live.

I received a letter in the mail last night and its always good to know there are people out there who actually care about me, about my struggles, and situations and about what’s going on in here. It's definitely a good thing to maintain a solid connection with people on the outside.


Here, where I'm at, the pickle-suits do not pass out the mail until night time, so we have to wait all day and all night, just to see if we get something or not. It’s always uplifting to our spirits to receive a letter from someone or a piece of mail. For some of us, its the only thing we have to look forward to each day in here, so that's one of the things that has me feeling real good about life right now.


I'm also glad to see that other prisoners are on top of their game. There's a guy in the cell a few doors down from me, to my left, who is doing his work-out routing right now. I can hear him counting his sets: "one, two, three: ONE. one, two, three, TWO. one, two, three, THREE". There's another prisoner in the cell a few doors down from me, to my right, who's working on his case-legal work. That's some hard stuff to figure out. It takes a lot of time, study, and practice. It's never easy when you're trying to go up against a system that owns the law, writes the law, and makes the law. But, we all know those people don't play fair. There's always gonna be some kind've dirt on them, so its always possible to beat them at their own game! It’s definitely good to see people on the grind in here, its good to know that they're trying, its good to know that they still have some fight left in them, and its always good to know that they haven't given up.


There are other prisoners all around me, in their cells, who are either exercising, reading, writing, or who are deep into their studies. One of my neighbors, who I often have study sessions with, was talking to me about different styles of study; how someone could really get a good study program down if he was truly serious about his studies. He said there are all kinds of things a prisoner can study if he really wants to learn something and not only learn, but apply it too. I told him I feel him on that. There's a lot of people who read, but don't really take the time to think about what they read. They don't absorb it, they don't try to memorize it, and they don't-try to apply it. They just read to pass the time, which is cool, I guess, because its better to be doing something productive to pass the time than to be on a path of self-destruction, or to even be wasting ticks on a bunch of irrelevant nonsense. He said that he agreed with me and that sometimes he'll spend 2-3 hours reflecting on one sentence. He'll take his etymological dictionary out, he'll break out his encyclopedia and other reference materials and he'll look at the root word to find out where the word originated from, what it means, and when it came into use. Then, he will just sit back and really think about the entire sentence, to see what was underneath the surface. All could say to that was, "WOW." I definitely appreciated his conversation, and that's another thing that has me feeling good about the day today.


So far, there hasn't been any negativity today, nobody yelling or screaming out the side of their doors, calling other prisoner obscene names. Nobody's tripping on the pigs and they aren't going out of their way to mess with any of us today. Even the psych-patients seem to be quiet today. No banging on the desks or kicking on the doors - and they haven't been yelling and screaming at all today, like they often do.


The morale amongst the prisoners on this tier seems to be pretty good. The conversations have been productive and uplifting. I can definitely sense that everybody's feeling pretty good about themselves today. Everybody's joking, laughing and nobody's stressing, nobody seems to feel the need to be a tough guy or prove themselves to the next man. There's a sense of community on the tier today. It's not something you see around here often so its always a good feeling when it shines forth.


Today is a good day to live. I say that from the solitary confines of a prison cell, so I must be saying something! They haven't killed me, they haven't stripped my spirit or my joy for life. My love for freedom still remains strong. They can't stop me from loving life or from feeling human. I'm alive and it feels good to be alive.


El Coyote

E.S.P. 2007

ABC-Nevada Prison Chapter

We Must Keep Resistance in Our Hearts

As we swim through the gloominess and murkiness of the treacherous waters of prison life, we must stay focused, we must stay determined and we must keep resistance in our hearts. Resistance to death, resistance to boredom, resistance to stupidity, resistance to stagnation, resistance to insanity, resistance to ignorance, resistance to inhumanity, resistance to oppression and injustice--because resistance is the truth.


We must really look out for each other, as much as we look out for ourselves, because the way we are living in these graveyards is beyond foul. You gotta keep your head above the water, you gotta keep your mind right and be careful of bitter people. Stay away from miserable, hateful people and be cautious of those who want to forever remain stuck on being stupid. Be careful of those people standing at their doors, talking out the side of their necks, trying extra hard to advertise themselves as real motherfuckers, hard motherfuckers, bad motherfuckers. It’s usually people who go the extra mile to advertise themselves as this and that, who are not only insecure of who they are, but are also untrustworthy and probably under-cover informants, or cell thieves. Don't be like that and don't fall into that trap. Keep resistance and truth in your heart and fakeness can't and won't touch you, or even come near you.


Sitting in a cell, with 4 walls to keep you company on cold, lonely nights, is a perfect time for us to take a deeper look into to ourselves and to take a deeper, more critical look at our lives. Use this time as an opportunity, look at it as a blessing. Don't let others define what real is for you, Take a hard, critical look at things, question everything you hear and everything you see and let yourself find your own conclusions and definitions of what real is; of what truth is.


Try to use this time to take a deeper, harder look at who you are and a deeper look at what you stand for. Are you influenced mostly by your environment? Are you mostly influenced by your comrades and peers? (If so, is this good or bad? Why?), or are you mostly influenced by what beats in your heart and what flows through your veins?


Take a deeper look at what makes you tick and at your reasoning's, judgments, and motives of why you do what you do. Use this time to really get to know yourself, because people who are true to themselves know who and what they are, and they are apt to be resistant towards anything that isn't true. We must be true to ourselves under these circumstances, or we will drown in these dirty, treacherous waters of prison life. Don't be a follower, fuck being a leader--just be true to yourself and to those who are true to you.


Resistance is a truthful way of life. Resistance is absolutely necessary and absolutely mandatory in these graveyards. It’s good to seek truth, its good to be true. Watch out for fakes and snakes--they're everywhere. Watch out for people who are trying to pull you under the rip- tide, just to keep themselves from drowning. Be true to you, keep resistance in your heart.


Coyote ESP 2008

Life is Good

If you love life, you're going to live life. You're going to find a way to prevail, you're going to keep pushing, keep striving. You're going to find a way to survive, to shine, and to make it through each difficult situation.


Those who love life are going to live life, no matter where they' re at in life: jail, prison, a broken home, stuck in a bad relationship, stuck in poverty, the ghetto, on the reservation, in the projects .... Whatever, wherever, you're going to find a way to keep existing, because you love life too much to let yourself fade, break, wither, and die.

I love life, and I'm living my life. I'm here, stuck in this hell hole, but I'm still alive, and I'm going to stay alive because I'm thankful to be alive. I wake up everyday feeling good, because I know I'm a good motherfucker. I wake up everyday feeling thankful cuz I know I'm blessed.


I deal with the struggles of being in prison and I keep moving. I deal with the despair, I deal with the agony, the suffering, the misery, and I keep living. I deal with the depression, I deal with the destruction and I deal with the hate. I keep loving life and I keep living my life. Life is beautiful, I'm thankful to be alive. I live in a graveyard, but I'm not dead, I'm alive and well.


EI Coyote May 2, 2008